this hit home

gees, i haven't posted in nearly a month! Just been busy I guess but I came across something yesterday that really hit home with my heart and I wanted to share it. I don't know if anyone who reads this has ever struggled with hope delayed in terms of wanting and waiting to have a child but if you have, you might appreciate this also. With very few exceptions, I feel like I could have written it based on my rollercoaster struggles in the past couple years. This is copied from the website of Stepping Stones Ministry. They have a lot of great articles in addition to this one if you're interested in reading more on the subject.

A Prayer for a Woman in Waiting

by Emily A. Getz

Dear Lord, for two years I have been waiting, and again, the answer is "No."

I do not understand why You will not allow me to conceive.

I look around me and I see teenagers with babies...friends who have tried for only one month and are now pregnant...women who "accidentally" got pregnant.
Why is getting pregnant so easy for some women and so difficult for me?
I know it is unhealthy for me to compare, but today I need to complain. Will you listen?
Must I remind You of my situation daily? What will it take?I do not understand "Your will."
Is it really best for me? I want Your will to include certain things for me.
What about those faithful women who are patient and still childless?
There are many things I do not understand.
Lord, let me not make conception a mission and lose sight of the vision.
Please protect me from bitterness, jealousy, and self-pity.
Where would I be without Scripture? Sometimes it is my only comfort.
My husband tries to understand, but it's not the same for him.
I have friends who hurt for me, but they have not experienced what I have.
Thank You. Lord, for Your Word that soothes me.
Sometimes the emptiness and sorrow can be overwhelming.
Thank You Lord, that every day is not as difficult as today.
I know that You have picked me up more times than I even know.
You are doing mighty things for me, even now as I write.
Please be patient with me, Oh Lord.
You love me and don't want me to be in pain.
Learning patience has been the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn.
I fear that, if I haven't become pregnant yet, it may never happen.
I am trying to learn how to be content while I wait, Lord.
I am trying to learn about trust.
Loneliness cannot stay for long, for You lift my head and fill me with Your presence.
How will I respond if I conceive a child? Will I praise You as much as I think I will?
Your gift would overwhelm me. Lord, please use my circumstances to glorify Yourself.
I know that there is but one guarantee.
I know that You have promised to bless me.

In reading this it was comforting to know that
I am not alone in my thoughts, fears, and feelings.
This blessed me and just maybe it blessed one of you too.

35.

Yesterday was my 35th birthday and I wanted to share some of the fun we had. I worked in the morning (it was OK but NOT part of the fun!), my husband picked me up at 1:00 and off we went. We headed up into the thumb (for you non-Michiganders that is the thumb of the mitten that is Michigan) and had a great picnic lunch followed by several hours of relaxing on the beach of Lake Huron's Saginaw Bay north of Caseville. The beach was all but deserted - I think maybe 5 or 6 people came and went through the course of the afternoon. We swam, lounged in the sun, looked for flat rocks for our someday to be constructed backyard fountain, swam again, lounged again, did crosswords and Sudoku puzzles.....all well aquiring a light shade of pink! When we were beached out, we headed north further into the thumb and drove around for a couple hours just exploring any country road that looked interesting. We came across some cool parks, saw quite a few deer, and drove through some of the most beautiful farmland I've seen. Everything looked so green and healthy and tall - just like it should approaching harvest time I suppose. We ended up in Bad Axe for dinner and then headed home into a beautiful sunset as the blue sky gave way to purple then pink, red and orange. What a beautiful way to end a beautiful day! We were sun soaked and exhausted and slept like babies. 35 is gonna be great - I can just feel it! I expect grand things out of the next year but need to remember to keep my eyes on Jesus and let the grand things come from Him, not me. Maybe in another 35 years I will get that down pat! As my lovely colleague TJ reminded me today, I now have to mark the 35-39 box instead of the 30-34 box.......nice reminder Tiff but just remember you'll be jumping a box yourself here before you know it! Love ya!

sunny sunday

Today I went out on the deck to hang a couple wet kitchen towels to dry in the hot sun and caught a glimpse of the black-eyed susans standing tall and golden and, well, just plain sunny. I love this flower since it is very hardy and responsive to my chosen method of gardening - neglect! This plant started last spring as a small chunk of my mother-in-law's plant and has really taken off. It did me good to see this bright "sunshiney" flower this morning. I am not feeling well due to some frustrating side effects of a medicine I am taking and need all the sun I can get today. I reread yesterday's post and this is helping me focus and the One who is controlling all this.

My husband also told me this morning that the Japenese Lanterns had bloomed. Last spring I was talking gardening with a patient and she was talking about these plants and I was sharing with her that when I was a kid my parents had these growing along one entire side of our house. I remember being fascinated my the delicate orange "lanterns" that hung from these plants. A couple days later here she comes with a bucket for me with a donation from her garden to mine. I planted just one plant last spring and this year we have probably a dozen or more plants spreading along the side of our house. Gotta love a little nostalgic trip down memory lane every now and then.

God Bless and keep your eyes on Him, Kendra

a lesson from a friend

A few days ago I was taking a walk down by the river with a friend of mine. I enjoy walking and talking with her and we routinely cover subjects from family to politics to church to work and most things in between. This day was no different. We were talking about exercise and weight loss and she was telling me that as she has been losing weight (by the way you look AWESOME hot mamma!) she had sort of gotten obsessed with the scale and consequently her progress had slowed. Then she told me that she had a realization that what had happened had nothing to do with her diet or exercise but everything to do with something else. She told me, "I realized I had taken my eyes off Jesus." We continued to talk about this and other subjects as we beat the pavement together. That night I couldn't get her comment out of my mind, and today, several days later, I still can't. I started to think and evaluate how good I was doing at keeping my eyes on Jesus. I gotta tell you, I could do better. It is ridiculously easy for me to get caught up in the worries and frustrations of life and, to quote TW, "take my eyes off Jesus." I realize that if I would spend more time focusing on Him and less time focusing on things I have no control over, that I will have peace that passeth understanding and God will sort out all the rest and align my life with His will. Thank God for my sister in Christ who, through sharing her own lesson learned, taught me one too. Thanks TW for the V8 moment. I love you, respect you, and am proud of you.
The words to this song have rattled around in my head over and over the past few days:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace.

Hopefully these words bless you like they have blessed me and remind you to keep your eyes on Jesus, whose plans for us are good and perfect.

new do

some of you have asked to see the new do that i FINALLY had enough hair to pursue. Well, here it is. Hard to see the style because my hair is so dark - Nothing fancy but it feels cool and light and stylish and I love it.

Over the past couple days my husband and I have done something that we haven't done in a very very long time. Retail therapy. I have posted previously about our horrible stewardship for many many years that left us with a huge amount of sufficating debt at the start of our marriage in 2005. Part of righting the ship for us was lots of budgeting, scrimping, and going without. Not going without neccesities, but definately going without the wants. Happily, we are finally to the point where we have a bit of breathing room so, at my wonderful husband's suggestion, we headed out Saturday to replace some clothes that are well past their useful life. I have to admit, as much as I was looking forward to it, I had a hard time. I had spent so long NOT indulging in wants that it was difficult to go ahead and shop a bit. In the end, we both ended up with some nice purchases at reasonable prices. My husband is gushing over how great his new socks feel! It's the simple things that make us happy! It felt great to purchase things without even considering using a credit card. I shop differently now. No more buying just because. We spent the past two years paying off just because purchases and we refuse to go back.

Happy Sunday

This is the day that the Lord has made

Let's rejoice and be glad!

Kendra

the first of many.

this picture is one of my favorites.

it's not recent, in fact it was taken on 12/28/04.

it was the first picture of me and my then new "friend" (i think the word boyfriend needs to be banned from your vocabulary after age 27 or so)

we had gone on our first date just two weeks or so prior and were spending every available minute together exploring what we both felt was something amazing that we happening to us.

earlier that day i had told Dan there was something cool i wanted to show him so we went for a drive and ended up here - Good Harbor Beach.

it's not a beach with lifeguards, kids with sand buckets, lots of people with lawnchairs and coolers, or concession stands.

it's a beach where you rarely see more than two or three other people, there are very cool rocks and drift wood, you won't come upon it unless you already know it's there, and you can walk along beautiful Lake Michigan for miles.

it was here that we took the first of many many self photos of our adventures together.

i have this photo on my nightstand and everytime i look at it i smile because that time in our lives was magical.

six weeks later we were engaged to be married on this same beach.....but that's a post for another day.

wishing you magical moments of your own.

Kendra

PS - a couple of you have inquired about a photo of the sassy new haircut. I'll work on it. :)

cut.

last friday i got a haircut.

i mean a real haircut

not just a trim.

i could leave it at that and a few people would understand.

the rest of you are lost i'm sure

so let me shed some light on the subject for the confused.



2 1/2 years ago (march 15, 2006 to be exact - the date is burned in my mind) i went to get a haircut. it was to be a simple trim of my short somewhat spikey haircut. i loved wearing my hair short and i felt my hair was one of my best features and the style fit me well. i was sitting in the chair and Jolee ran her fingers through the back of my hair prior to starting to cut it and cautiously asked, "did you know you have a bald spot back here?" I can't really describe the sick feeling that hit my stomach. The spot was the size of a quarter and was located behind my left ear. Not knowing what else to do, she cut it as well as she could and we devised a style,minus the great spikes in the back, that would cover the spot. She reassured me that it should grow back eventually but i sensed concern in her voice. I made it home before breaking into tears and spending a sick amount of time in front of the mirror inspecting "the spot". Over the next 5-6 months, my alopecia areata, as it was diagnosed, got much much worse. By November of that same year, a seemingly harmless small bald spot became bald areas across the entire back of my head, a large area at my left temple, and countless spots from 1-2 inches round all over my head. I went from doctor to doctor to doctor searching for a reason, and more importantly, and solution. My family doctor, a endrocrinologist, and dermatologist all gently told me that there was no known cause and no great solution. A dermatologist did offer to inject the sites with cortisone but by this time it would have taken hundreds of injections and that much cortisone isn't good for you. They all said it would grow back but couldn't tell me when - "it could take weeks, months, or years." Golly, that's helful. I was emotionally devestated and extremely depressed to say the least. I work with the public in the medical field and was so self-conscious that my patients would notice. Having worn my hair short for a lot of years, there were frequent questions as i grew it out to cover the spots. Each time someone asked why i was growing my hair out i could barely keep from crying as i provided one lame reason after another. One sad memory i have is the day that my loving, romantic husband drove me an hour to a great Lake Huron beach to just walk, sit and hang out together and i was unable to enjoy it because i had forgotten a hat and the wind was blowing my hair around and exposing my bald spots for all the see. Probably the most devestating day was when i had to go see a hairdresser about the possibility of getting a wig. I cried all the way there, all the way through the consultation, and all the way home. The poor man must have thought i'd lost it, and, in fact, i was pretty close. Gone was my stylish haircut and replacing it was long, thin, patchy, stringy hair that made me feel ugly. I didn't realize how much of my identity I had put in my hairstyle. Hair is a big deal for women - at least for this woman! It's an expression of our style and a great way to show individuality. Thankfully it never came to wearing a wig. Near the end of 2006, i began to notice some peach fuzz type of hair growing in some of the patches. i was cautiously optomistic but still doubtful that i would ever have my hair back. Since that time, the areas have slowly grown back and filled in. Most came back wavy or curly and, with the rest of my hair being straight, provided some challenges,but at least it was growing. As of last Friday it had been just shy of 2 1/2 years since my hair started falling out. I had felt for a month or so that i would probably be able to pull off a short cut again but i had trouble summoning up the bravery to make the appointment. The what ifs were everywhere. Somehow i managed to show up for the appointment i made and announced that i thought i was ready for a real cut. My hair person, jolee, who by the way had been awesome and encouraging everytime i visited and cried through my appointment, looked shocked but excited. She sat me down and carefully inspected my head for any spots i had missed. After a tense couple of minutes she pronounced me with a full head of hair and off we went! She snipped and clipped and fluffed and razored, then she dried and moussed and tousled and sprayed. When she finally finished and asked me what i thought i couldn't talk because of the tears and lump in my throat. It looked fabulous - like the old me staring back at me! It felt light and fresh and stylish and just plain GREAT! Funny how your hair can make such a difference in how you feel - if i got philisophical maybe too much - but i am choosing just to soak it in and love how it has given me a light young feeling. It could all fall out again tomorrow, i realize this, and if that happens, it happens. Will it suck? You bet it will, but God got me through it once and He could do it again - i know He could. So if by chance you have happened upon this and have lived through something similar, i know how hard it is and am praying above all for peace that passes understanding and comfort from our awesome God whom the Bible says in Matthew numbers the hairs on our head.

last friday i got a haircut

praise God!

Kendra

why now?

I guess I need to start this with a little background. I have worked in the field of physical therapy and sport medicine for 12 years - all of them as staff, not management. About 6 weeks ago, my current boss came to me and proposed that I take on a new role in the clinic - that of clinical coordinator. I thought and prayed over it and in the end accepted the new role. It has not been a drastic change - just the addtiion of some new responsibilities regarding the function of the clinic, solving problems here and there, researching ways to keep getting reimbursed from insurance companies for what we do, etc. It also came with a nice raise. Not anything that is gonna make me jump too many tax brackets or anything but enough to make a nice little difference in the bottom line. More background.....as I eluded to in a previous post, my husband and I were convicted by God about the shameful state of our finances soon after marrying, and, to make a long story short, God showed mercy on us and allowed us, through hard work, sacrifice, and his amazing blessings, to pay off our huge credit card debt recently.
So.....Friday we were sitting at Applebee's having lunch and I brought up a question that had been nagging at me for a few days. "Why do you suppose that God chose NOW to give me a promotion and pay raise and didn't do it a couple years ago when our finances were a mess?" It seemed to me that we could have used the extra money back then more than now. He thought for a moment and replied, "Maybe it's just like it says in the Bible, ' Therefore if you have not been faithful in the use of worldly wealth, who will entrust the true riches to you?' (Luke 16:11). This was one of the verses we had memorized when we were going through Crown Financial Ministries classes and I was so impressed at his ability to recall it. That was EXACTLY it! Back a couple years ago, we hadn't shown to God that we could handle correctly any more than He was already giving us. In fact, we both had handled things pretty badly up to that point. I feel like this promotion and raise are a reward from God for committing to handling the incomes God blesses us with in a manner that is pleasing to Him. We continue to pursue Godly stewardship of His blessings and are thankful that God spared us the financial ruin that we deserved - a true exhibition of His mercy. The Bible says that when we have debt was are as slaves to our lenders and I can tell you from experience that is exactly what we felt - enslaved! The sense of freedom we feel now is a beautiful thing. We still have some things to work on but we know we are following the Greatest Financial Advisor of all - Jesus Christ.
God is so good and His timing is impeccable!

Kendra

when it rains it pours...

and pour it did! today we had a HUGE thunderstorm that dumped a ton of rain on our mid-michigan town. Our street flooded to the point where my husband and a friend had to push a neightbor from the street into her driveway. The rainstorm was quite a site to watch as it poured and poured and poured. The local new channel says that 4-5 1/2 inches fell in some areas around here! That's an amazing amount of water in less than an hour. We discovered a bit later, much to our dismay, that the storm drain had backed up and a couple of inches of water had collected in our basement. So....down we went with fans and mops and the shop vac to begin the clean-up. Thankfully, the storm drains caught up fairly quickly and the water started to recede. We successfully sucked up and mopped up all the standing water but will have to go back for some more intense cleaning after the fans dry things out a bit more. Ah the joys of home ownership!
Even when the drains back up and you are cleaning up "questionable" water from your basement, God is so so so good!

Kendra

the end of project week '08

Well, here we are. project week '08 is done, D-O-N-E done! My poor husband worked his butt off every day and completed an amazing list of projects. I was not on vacation so helped some in the evening and this weekend. Some of the great things he got done were: built shelves in the basement to house storage totes, took an old stove and water heater from the basement to the scrap yard, got my windshield repaired, took a cool old church pew to the basement to serve as seating on one side of the large table we have down there, touched up the paint in one of our bathrooms, repainted the trim in the kitchen, repainted the spare room (which was the office), repainted the new office (which was the spare room), cleaned and sorted four, yes I said four, closets, fixed a sleigh bed frame and put it up in the spare room, sorted through countless piles of stuff and reassembled what we determined to be keepable in the newly painted and organized rooms, etc, etc, etc. I'm sure I've missed some things but suffice to say the work has been long and hard and I am so thankful for my husband's willingness to use some of his vacation for maintaining and improving our home. Our favorite part of the week was redoing our new office from a deep purple room with no decorations and random contents to a grayish green color with lots of awesome fishing/hunting/cabinish decorations. This room will serve as my husband's home office but also a place for me to sew, scrapbook, etc. It's got a great little reading corner that we will both enjoy. My husband posted a few pictures on his blog - www.durgsworld.blogspot.com The result of all this is that we are thrilled with the progress and now have a huge amount of items sitting in our garage waiting for a garage sale that we plan to have in a few weeks. We had a garage sale about three years ago, after I moved all my belongings into this house, and we SWORE we would never do it again because it was so much work. But, never say never, because here we are getting ready to have another one. So, thanks honey for all the trips up and down the basement stairs, for tolerating my pickiness, and for continuing to make our house our home. I love you and am praying for relief of all your aches and pain that the week left behind.
God is so good for giving us this wonderful home.

Kendra

project week??

Much to my husband's dismay, project week 2008 is almost upon us. For the past several years, my husband, who has WAY more paid vacation than I, has taken a week off in the summer or fall and worked around the house. This year that week starts on Monday. The list is long as always and includes fun things like painting trim in the kitchen, painting our spare room and office, moving all the furniture since we are flip flopping the two rooms, building shelves in the basement to hold storage totes......did I fill up the week yet? Sounds like lots of trips to Menards, ACE hardware, and many sore muscles but he takes pride in our home and even though he won't admit it, he will be glad when the project list is smaller. Thankfully, he is also planning to take a day and go fishing up north with a buddy; somethings he loves to do but gets to do only infrequently. I love that he is willing to do this to make a dent in the improvement list we (and every homeowner) have for our home. Starting tonight we are going to do some prep for project week....things like taking stuff off the wall, patching nail holes, maybe moving some of the furniture. Better stock up on ibuprophen. Go get 'em honey!
God is good all the time - put that on the list!
kendra

the blitz is on.

This weekend our city held it's annual Fireworks Festival which includes three days of celebration down at the riverfront park. Many many people camp there, a carnival is in town, various music/bands perform, and there are fireworks displays each of the three nights with the biggest and best show on the third night. The show is quite a site to behold and traditionally the city draws tens of thousands of people for the show on the last night.
This year, our church has been challenging ourselves with a summer of outreach, activites intended to push out into the community as well as pull others into our church. This weekend it was time to push ourselves out into the fireworks festival crowd. Our mission: distribute over 1,000 bottles of ice cold, absolutely free, water. Each bottle was tagged with our church logo and information on our location and services. Yesterday afternoon, we descended on the park and spend two hours wandering through the park asking the question, "Could I interest you in an ice cold bottle of water absolutely free?" People typically started to decline but then stopped when they heard the phrase "absolutely free". Most people then accepted and were grateful for the drink in the 80+ degree weather. There was no sermon, no uncomfortable confrontations, just a group of people showing the love of Jesus in a very simple but relevent way. Overall it was very well received and we got lots of positive comments. One person that struck me was what looked like a single mom with five little kids. We gave them all water and she was so grateful and her kids were so cute and polite in thanking us. To some, saving the $10 it would have cost to buy those waters could have been a big help in affording a fun day together at the festival. We were exhausted when we were done from all the walking (had to have been miles!) but energized from taking part in this random act of kindness. It felt good to leave people wondering why a stranger would be so nice to them with nothing in return. Hopefully some people will take the card attached to each bottle of water and have the courage to visit with us some Sunday. You never know when a seed planted with something as simple as a bottle of cold water will start to grow - that is our prayer.
Praising God for His goodness in providing us with beautiful weather, sturdy legs, and a receptive crowed- Kendra

a great night for a stroll....

happy monday. hope you all (is there anyone reading this regularly after my hiatus?) had a great monday. mine? busy at work but only a few unexpected bumps in the day so overall good. after a quick yummy dinner my hubby and i went walking together out at the state park near our house. all in all we went about 2 1/2 miles and were pleasantly tired. this made me particularly happy since i usually walk alone. i loved having him with me and being able to count on each other to keep going. hopefully it will become a summer regular with us. he's sitting next to me right now wittling on his walking stick so that must be a good sign. the only potential hitch is that along this trail there is an all too convenient icecream stop! we resisted tonight but i have a feeling we may succumb in the future. i suggested maybe every third time or so we could indulge.....we'll see how that holds up. so if you haven't already, grab your honey by the hand and get out for a stroll. all the great nature you see will remind you of God's amazing power and goodness. Kendra

intentional.

intentional. most afternoons i listen to Dr. Randy Carlson's radio call in show on my way home from work. he gives advice on a wide variety of issues but the common thread in his advice to "be intentional". he stresses that things don't happen by accident and urges people to start by picking one thing to be intentional about. i was listening to his show today at the gym and it got me thinking....what could i be intentional about? of course the potential areas are limitless, but my environment at the time got me thinking that maybe i should choose exercise as my thing to be intentional about. just recently i have gotten back into a regular exercise routine after several weeks of being off after our pregnancy journey and miscarriage. i thought about this and decided that in the upcoming months i am going to choose to be intentional about regular exercise. By regular I mean a goal of at least 30 minutes of exercise 4-5 days a week. have i tried this before? of course i have. have i succeeded? yes at times, no at other times. will this time be different? i don't know, but maybe since i am thinking about it differently i will be more successful longterm. i guess maybe it's a bit like quitting smoking where they say don't quit quitting, but itstead it should be don't stop starting! so, doctor carlson, here's to being intentional!
remember, when the time on the treadmill moves slowly, and the weights in your hands are heavy, God is sooooo good. kendra

Back to blogging

Wow. It's been a whole month since I've posted. The month has been a real roller coaster of emotions but as I write this I can truly say that God has seen us through it and we are hopeful for the future of our family. Every so often even now, something happens or someone says something that jabs at the healing part of my heart but I am much more emotionally stable to say the least. (Really honey I am!) For a while there I was starting to wonder about myself! We are making plans to undergo another round of fertility treatments in the near future and are praying for God's blessing on our efforts. We still feel strongly led that we are in His will in pursuing this. We have grown in our relationship through our struggle through the past few months.
Summer has set in and we are busy as ever. Both working long days, busy with some summer church activities, family gatherings, etc. Before we know it we will be staring fall in the face. Not that I mind that since fall is my favorite and we plan to try to get away somewhere for a week or so in September.
Something exciting that we hope to see come to fruition this summer is paying off the credit card debt that has been a heavy burden we are eager to be free of! God has done an amazing work in our lives financially and spared us from the disaster that we deserved after years of mismanaging God's money! In His mercy, he led us to the Crown Financial Program where we learned how out of line we were when it came to stewardship of what God had blessed us with. We committed in February of 2006 to getting out of debt and we set our goal to be credit card free by 9/9/09. Now I know in your head you are thinking "Holy crap, that's almost three years of paying on them!" Good math skills. However, God has been so abundently graceful to us that we are on track to be debt free with the exception of our mortgage by the end of this year! It has been hard, really hard at times, to stick to our plan, but the reward of being out from under the debt is worth it to say the least. As we near the end of this, we are praying for the determination to finish it strong and stay committed to finances that are pleasing to the Giver of all resources. What an amazing day it will be when we make that last payment!
Well, that's it for my return to blogging. I have a feeling my readership has dried up over the past month but that's OK with me. I can amuse myself my reading my own random musings!
God is so good, He's so good to me. Kendra

i just don't get it

Today I saw something that made me sick.
It also seemed to reignite some of the sadness that I thought was starting to subside.
I was leaving Staples after dropping off some things to be copied. A young girl walking out of another store caught my eye. She was young, maybe 17-19, cute, dressed very stylishly, and about 5-6 months pregnant. I'll be honest, the question did cross my mind, "Why would God give her a baby and not us?" Then it happened. She reached into her handbag, pulled out a cigarette and lit up. By this time I was sitting in my car, staring openly at this girl. She walked slowly to her car, dramatically puffing and exhaling a cloud of smoke around her. As I watched her I got so angry that she was taking this amazing gift of a little life inside of her and putting it in danger. I wanted so badly to get out of my car and yank the cigarette out of her mouth. She clearly doesn't realize what a miracle the life inside her is. A lot of feeling washed over me - anger, jealously, sadness, frustration, confusion about why things happen like they do.... After she drove away, I sat there for a few minute thinking about how many things that have happened in the past few months that I just simply cannot understand. I was thinking that I have a lot of questions that I want to ask God when I get to heaven. Then I thought that maybe when we get to heaven we aren't going to be aware of the perceived injustices we've experienced or wonder about the answers to those questions that bugged the crap out of us here on earth. Hopefully we are so busy praising God and walking those streets of gold that we won't be thinking about the things that distract our minds here on earth. For now, I am slowly learning to accept the things that I just don't understand and realize that I may never understand this side heaven. And even then, I may no longer wonder.

Even on a day when sadness rears its ugly head, I can make it through because my God is for me and He is good all the time.

Kendra

he prays for me.

Just wanted to share a brief exchange between my husband and I that happened tonight when I got home from work.

He: "Honey, did you cry today?"
Me: "You know what? No, I didn't. Finally."
He: "Good. This morning I prayed that you would have a day where you didn't cry."

He prays for me.

I already knew he did but somehow this brief exchange made it like cement in my mind and heart. Sometimes at night as I am going to sleep he gently rests his hand on my head and I know that he is praying for me. This gives me security and comfort beyond what I can describe. I know that going through this miscarriage together has deepened our bond and I also know that it bothered him deeply to watch my physical and emotional pain. The worst part for him is that there wasn't a whole lot he could do to change it for me. So what he did was pray, and pray hard. He has told me many times that he would take my pain for me if he could and I know now more than ever that he absolutely would. He has been wonderful beyond description day after day as I cried and cried and mourned over this loss. I'm sure my tears are not gone for good but to know that my husband and best friend asked our awesome God to give me a day with more happiness than tears......that my friends is what it's all about.

He prayed for me, and in God's goodness, He granted his request. Amazing.

Kendra

a new week.

today was the start of a new week. thankfully. We are still grieving the loss of our pregnancy but are starting to see a light at the end of what has felt like a very dark, very long tunnel. I still feel like I am walking around with a ball of emotion in my throat just waiting to burst out with any mention or thought of babies, pregnancy, etc. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I have to admit I took the easy way out. We didn't go to our church because, quite frankly, I wanted to avoid the emotional torture. The thought of hearing about the wonder and blessing of motherhood just made me want to crawl into my shell until the day had past. We instead chose to go spend the night with my parents with plans to attend church with them - less people that we have personal connections to so less risk of breaking down. However, I woke up Sunday not feeling that great so we decided to just roll over, pull the covers up, and sleep in. It was gray and rainy and my disposition was equally so. On a positive note, I was able to spend some time with my mother and both grandmothers, all of whom have provided me with great examples of motherhood. I can only hope and pray that by next Mother's Day I am enjoying experiencing the day in a whole new way.

Hanging on to God's goodness during a time when very few things seem good, Kendra

rough week.

Suffice to say this has been one rough week.

Returning to work was emotionally and physically challenging. Trying to function normally in a professional role seems like a huge chore to be honest. I find myself with less than ideal amounts of compassion for my patients which is a problem since that's a huge part of my job. I guess I am just completely distracted by my own situation right now. Probably the textbook definition of self-centered huh?
Physically, this process has been much more challenging than I anticipated. I thought a couple Motrin here and there would get me through just fine. However, Tuesday night I ended up in the emergency room because the cramping and pain was so severe I couldn't get it under control with OTC meds. All I have to say is God bless narcotics. I spent the next day laying low and napping under "the influence". I was able to return to work today and tolerated my 1/2 day schedule pretty well. I am hoping that the pain continues to subside; the quicker the better. I am looking forward to the weekend and a visit from a couple of friends/former colleagues who I love and miss having as part of my life. Girl talk is always good for the soul, right?

When the week is rough, emotions are raw, and pain is rearing it's ugly head, I hang on tight to the goodness and compassion of our God.

Kendra

kind words.

Something happened yesterday that touched me to the core.

I work at a physical therapy clinic and treat all sorts of patients. Some I connect with and, to be honest, some I simply treat and look forward to when they move on. For the past couple months I have had the priviedge to work with a particular gentleman who I have enjoyed immensely. He is warm and kind and tells me funny, dramatic happenings from his life and family just about everytime I see him. Over the course of his visits, we have had several great conversations about our shared faith and how God has worked in our lives. I have come to recognize him as a fellow tenderheart. He has been my patient during the 6 days I was off during and after the IVF procedure and also during the days I was gone last week while resting and trying to save our pregnancy. He has been always gracious upon my return to work and asked in general how I was and accepted my vague answers. Yesterday, however, just as he was leaving therapy, he grabbed my arm and said, " I don't know what is going on in your life, but I want you to know that I am praying for you."
wow.
I, of course, instantly choked up with the fresh emotion of our miscarriage. I managed to quietly say, "thank you. I sure could use it", and walked away before breaking into tears. Since then, I have not been able to get this brief exchange out of my mind. I was touched by his concern for me, who, in the grand scheme of his life, am a temporary aquaintance. It gave me a lot of comfort on a day that was difficult to navigate without losing my hold on my emotions and composure. It was a God thing without a doubt. He knew I needed this to get through my day. God bless this gentle, kind, and wonderfully perceptive man that God sent my way.

I continue to KNOW that God is good all the time, and I am even starting to feel it some again.

Kendra

family, interrupted.

It further breaks my already broken heart to write that we will not be seeing our dreams of a family come true for now. After a gut wrenching week of ultrasounds, bloodwork, and tortuous waiting, we were told Friday by our deeply compassionate doctor that he could not find a gestational sac in my uterus. His diagnosis: a pregnancy that had failed. He reassured us that there was nothing we could have done to change how this turned out because of course that thought immediately leapt to our lips. We were gently told to go home and expect a miscarriage in the next few days. We were left devestated and full of the "whys" that never, never, never seem to come to an answer. I find myself in tears many many times throughout the day and my heart is heavy with a deep sadness. My poor husband is also grieving but has been a constant in comforting me and reassuring me that our dreams will come true eventually. I have learned so much about him through this experience and grown to love him so much deeper. In the past couple days I have thought some about how important it is to be sure to the depths of our souls what we KNOW, what we BELIEVE, about God and his character. If we are sure of this, when the hard times come and our feelings betray us, we can KNOW it even when we don't FEEL it.
For example...
I KNOW God is truly good all the time, but I don't feel that right now
I KNOW God is sad when I am sad, but right now I don't feel that
I KNOW that God works all things together for good for those who love him, but right now I can't possible see how this could be good
I KNOW that His will for our lives and our family is good and perfect but right now I have so many unanswered questions that make me wonder.

I know that time is a great healer, so for now I am leaning on what I KNOW and trying to survive what I FEEL. Tomorrow will be a trial. I am going back to work and to inevitable questions. God give me the composure to hold it together.

He's still good, I KNOW He is.

Kendra

uncertain.

To be honest I don't feel much like blogging today but I know there will be some blog-stalkers checking in since today was to be our ultrasound. Things have changed a bit. I developed some complications on Tuesday and the health of our pregnancy is in question. We should know more tomorrow after comparing some blood test results and ultrasounds from this week but suffice to say we are very scared, fighting panic, and emotionally exhausted. We are desperate for your prayers that God's will be accomplished in this situation. Of course we would like God's will to be that this baby continue to develop but we are more aware than ever that we don't get to choose.

I keep reminding myself that God is good, even when things feel really bad.

Smelly.

Well, I've discovered my first strange side-effect of being pregnant. My nose is quickly becoming like that of a bloodhound! Certain smells are lighting my gag reflex right up! So far those smells include my husband's breath (morning breath is never good but this is extraordinary aversion), cool whip, and ranch dressing. If this continues my husband and I may need to eat and sleep in different rooms to make it to December! He is being a good sport about it thankfully. Otherwise I continue to feel pretty good. Seems like I've been more tired than normal the past couple days but still tolerable. Thursday we have an appointment for an ultrasound and visit with the doctor and we are hoping they will be able to tell us if there is more than one baby hanging out in there! The possibility of multiples is a very exciting and scary thought. Hopefully in a few days we'll know what we're facing! In the meantime we continue to be in awe of the gift that God has given us and we are so enjoying dreaming about our family and the future.
God is good, all the time.

Good Friday.

Today I am thankful. I know, I know, we should be thankful everyday but let's be real - some days we are more thankful than others. Today was one of those days. Thankful for what you ask.....? Just some random things like a good day at work, my patient who hugged me today and told me I made a difference in her life, my husband's handsome face when I got home, evidence of some good financial progress (we are working like dogs to pay off some debt so I can maybe be a stay at home mom), simply feeling good (no negative prego symptoms yet but I hear it starts to kick your butt around 6-8 weeks which is fast approaching), un-April like weather in Michigan (but supposed to be back in the 40s by Monday). I just have a wonderful happy calm spirit today and I am kind of just reveling in it I guess. We're headed off to have a grill feast with some friends, hang out and play some cards. A good end to a good day.

Today God's goodness was all over my day and I hope it was for you too!

Kendra

Well taken care of.

It's been a few days now since we got our big news and it is settling in a bit. I find myself having to really remind myself to not worry about things that are many many months away. I am trying instead to focus on what is in front of us and go from there. We just found out we are pregnant and if I let myself, I would spend time worrying about how to send these (this) kids (kid) to college!
One thing that has been a constant through this whole experience is how well my husband has taken care of me. For a couple weeks yet I am still following the restrictions given me following the egg retrieval procedure. So....my husband has been utterly fantastic about keeping our house running smooth and keeping me happy. He would rather see me resting than doing the dishes and may even go so far as to scrub the shower to keep me for doing so right now! He is constantly attentive to how I am feeling, if I am comfortable, anything I need or want done. I am blessed beyond measure to have this beautiful man as my husband. I asked him today if he loved me more because I'm pregnant (because that's how it feels) and he just looked at me and said "Not really. I love you more and more every day anyway whether or not you're pregnant". God has truly blessed me with this wonderful man to be the daddy to these (this) babies (baby). So, even though I try to tell you often how great you are and how helpful you have been to me, I want to publically say honey that I love you beyond words and couldn't get through this without you taking such good care of us!
You are a reminder to me of how good God is all the time!

Kendra

Double.

Greetings from newly pregnant land! We repeated the blood test today for hormone levels and were thrilled to hear that the level had doubled since Tuesday just like it is supposed to. More praise to God who has completely blown me away in the past few days with the abundance of his blessings. In two weeks we will have an ultrasound done and hopefully they will be able to tell us how many feet will be pitter pattering around our house! I have been feeling good. The only odd thing I've noticed is that for the past 3-4 night I have woken up and around 4am burning hot all over. I have to throw off all the covers and lay in the cold air to cool off. Meanwhile my husband is often shivering under the down comforter and quilt! We keep our house pretty chilly and live in Michigan so it is by no means overly warm in our room. I'm sure this is the first of many odd things I will experience.
God is SOOOOOOO good.

Kendra

Sunny Day

Today is a sunny day.

The sun is shining and the sky

outside is clear and blue.

Today is also a sunny day in my

heart and in our family.

Today we found out that

we are going to have a baby

Just putting it in black and white makes me cry.



God has seen fit to bless us with this overwhelming joy and I am so humbled by His goodness.

As of today I am 12 days pregnant and holding! Seems weird to know this early but that's what happens when science is involved! We are so crazy happy that I can't hardly stand it! We had fun calling our immediate family and close friends and sharing the news. Most of them knew we would find out today and were anxiously anticipating the results. Feels so good to share happy news with those who rejoice in your joy and weep in your sadness. You all know who you are and thank you seems inadequate. We would love your continued prayers as this pregnancy progresses. We have another blood test Thursday and then see the doctor in two weeks for an ultrasound. How cool is that gonna be??? Can't wait.

I truly feel that life will never be the same



WOW - is God good all the time or what?

Kendra

Unconditional Praise

What started out as 12 days of waiting on God has dwindled to 18 hours (give or take a couple). I, of course, can think of little else. I am hoping and dreaming and praying that tomorrow will bring a happy phone call and dancing around like fools in the kitchen shouting what an amazing God we have. I know He is just as amazing if we are disappointed tomorrow but I am fearful that if that were to be how it turns out, I will let God down with my sadness and broken heart. I will praise Him either way but in particular want my response to be pleasing to Him if we are not pregnant. Because praising God when He gives you what you want is easy.......unconditional praise is difficult. Sadly, I think that maybe this is the first time in my decades as a Christian that I have been very mindful of this. I'm afraid that I haven't been much for praising God through disappointment in the past. I would praise God for the blessing and, when disappointed, I would just be disappointed and then move on. Talk about missed opportunity! I am still steadfastly believing in answered prayers and God fulfilling the desires of our hearts, but if this is not His timing for us to be pregnant, I will make sure that I will not let this opportunity for praising our amazing God pass me by.
Praying that I will not forget that God being good all the time means ALL the time.

Kendra

48 Hours

Haven't posted in a few days because I went back to work and I guess just got busy with normal life. Realized just now that 48 hours from now we will know if we are pregnant. (!) Frankly today I've been kind a mess emotionally with the weight of the impending news. Trying to prepare for praising God for answered prayers and realization of our dreams of a family and (this is harder) also preparing to praising God even if He decides to delay our desire to be parents. Tears either way I'm certain given that I'm a crier at the drop of a hat anyway so this situation is a no-brainer for a river. We sang a song in church today that we sing often called Bleesed Be Your Name but today the words were screaming off the screen and I could barely sing for the lump in my throat. Here are the words:
(not sure who to give credit - sung by the Newsboys and others I'm sure)

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
CHORUS:
Every blessing You pour out I'll
Turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's "all as it should be"
Blessed be You name
And blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

My desire is that whether He gives or chooses not to right now, we will be able to be faithful and praise the glorious Name of the Lord. I'm not kidding myself that it will be easy if this doesn't turn out how we'd like but God never promised an easy road.

God is Good

all the time,

even during an emotional roller coaster ride.

Kendra

Back to Work

Today I returned to work for the first time since April 2nd. It's been a long time since I had that many days in a row off but I'm glad I listened to my ever caring and cautious hubby and took the bulk of the week off. I really feel like I have gotten plenty of rest and today went well. It helped that on Thursdays I work from 7-12 only. My job is fairly active ( I am an athletic trainer in an outpatient physical therapy clinic) but I had no problem following the lifting restriction I have which was one of my concerns. Actually the busy pace of my job will be welcome over the next several days leading up to TEST DAY! Days fly by there before I know what hit me. Tomorrow is a ten hour day so will be more of a challenge but I have some awesome co-workers who will prod me along as needed I'm sure! Normalcy feels comforting right now.

Blessings to all for a great day. FRIDAYS COMIN"!

Remember that God is good all the time.

Kendra

Dream On

So I've decided my earlier post about reigning in my dreaming until we know for sure if we're pregnant or not is just CRAP! Impossible. So yesterday I spent a portion of the day on the Internet looking at lots of pregnancy and baby websites. It was kind of fun and a bit scary to read all that might lay ahead. But I tell ya what, it was a lot easier than sitting here trying to force the thoughts out of my head! I spent a lot of time on a couple of baby name websites and my husband and I had fun throwing around names (there sure are some odd ones out there!) and actually are pretty like minded for the most part.
We are on the one week countdown until our pregnancy test! Coincides with tax day coincidentally. I am returning to work on Thursday so hopefully it will distract me a bit from the waiting game. A coworker stopped by last night and they are surviving without me just like I knew they would. It will be nice to return to some semblance of normalcy though.

My God, the giver and fulfiller of dreams, is good all the time.

Kendra

Home Sweet Home

We are finallly home! In the past ten days I have spent only two nights in my own bed so I am beyond glad to finally land at home! My husband has me propped all comfy in bed as I continue cajolling the embyos to attach and hang on. The ride home went well. I reclined the front seat and was actually quite comfortable. Today is to be the day when I transition from bedrest to light activity so I was able to shower ( I stayed in until I was shriveled), be up for meals, etc, but I am trying to be either in bed or fully reclined in the chair in between these times. I am finding myself a bit lightheaded when I am up and about but I am sure that is a side effect of being vertical for the majority of the past 56 hours or so! On the way home we let ourselves dream a little and talked about what we would name our brood......three girls, two boys and a girl, two girls and a boy, one girl, two boys, pretty much every combination we could come up with. Right now I feel the need to be very cautious though about things like this because I am fearful of being devestated if we do not end up pregnant. I know disappointment is a risk that we all take everyday because the potential rewards are so great. But for now, I am reigning in the dreams just a bit. Over the past couple days I have fallen in love with my husband in a whole new way. He has been the ultimate selfless caretaker, comforter, encourager, and friend. When I think of him as a dad I get a ball of emotion in my throat. Several times over the past few days while I was in bed, he would lay on his belly across the bed, put his hands and face on my belly and pray for God's blessing on this procedure and for the safety and health of me and these embryos. It melts me to see a man so humbled before God and so fervent and intentional in his prayers. Every woman should be so blessed by God to have a man such as this.
God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me (this song has been in my head nonstop for the past few days - hope you all know it!)

Be Blessed, Kendra

Bloggin' On Bedrest

Some people dream of a day spent doing nothing but lounging in bed, resting, watching TV, reading, being waited on, etc. If you are one of those people I would seriously warn you to be careful what you wish for! We returned to the fertility clinic Friday morning and had three, YES THAT'S RIGHT I SAID THREE, embryos tranferred into my uterus. The doctor said we have "beautiful embryos" and he had every reason to believe this will work for us. To increase our chances of the embryos implanting in the uterine lining, I am on bedrest strictly until tonight and then modified until Monday. So for now that means getting up only to go to the bathroom. I never thought of a trip to the bathroom as a treat before but my mind has sure been changed in the past 27 hours! Tonight, specifically in 6 1/2 hours, I will be allowed to get out of bed to have dinner - yippee! Tomorrow I will be able to get up for a shower and for meals and then Monday slowly increase activities. I am off work until THursday though so I plan to take it pretty easy. Ironically, this weekend also is a family getaway that my parents gave us as a Christmas gift so my parents and sibling, nieces and nephew have all been around to break up my boredom. All in all, I am surviving with minimal insanity or discomfort and am focusing on giving these embryos their best chance at becoming our family.

Pregnant, not pregnant, or somewhere in between, my God is good all the time!

Kendra

Feelin' Loopy

I went back this morning and read my post from yesterday. Quite frankly I was surprised that it made sense. I was told that the drugs they gave me yesterday would wear off in 3-5 hours but I ended up sleeping off and on, mostly on, for almost 24 hours. My husband says I said some pretty comical and nonsensical things..... I woke up for lunch, dinner, and apparently to blog. I was in pretty good pain yesterday afternoon and into the evening with only Tylenol allowed for relief. I decided last night that it wasn't gonna work for me to go to work today and I'm really glad I did. I have less pain this morning but my lower abdomen still feels quite tender and unhappy if I move around too much. So, my plan today is to continue to lay low and rest until we head back to Grand Rapids this afternoon. I'm waiting anxiously to hear from the doctor how many of the eggs successfully fertilized. The procedure to put the embryos back into me will be mid morning tomorrow so prayers continue to be appreciated. I'll blog again when I'm able but it probably will be a few days.

Even when I am loopy, I know that God is good all the time.

Kendra

Laying Low

Today I had 14, count 'em 14, eggs removed from my ovaries! The doctor said everything went well. I was quite heavily sedated for the retrieval and am still groggy 10 hours later. I've done very little since we left there except eat lunch and sleep. I am more uncomfortable than I would like to be right now but hopefully it will subside as I rest tonight. I plan to work 1/2 day tomorrow but we'll have to see how I feel. I am so thankful to God that everything went smoothly. I felt very well taken care of at the clinic this morning and can't help but think about our embryos that are hopefully rapidly dividing in their lab as I write this. Please continue to pray for us as we head back to Grand Rapids tomorrow night and then have the embryos implanted on Friday morning. Big stuff, exciting stuff to be sure.

Even in a drug haze :) I know our God is good all the time.

Kendra

Keep your hands inside the ride folks, here we go!

All the waiting is finally coming to an end. We visited the doctor for an ultrasound Saturday and again this morning and his verdict is that my follicles are the right size which means the eggs are ready to be harvested. As far as what's next.....tonight at EXACTLY 10pm (even a few minute variance can screw this whole thing up) my wonderful husband will inject a drug into my butt muscle that will trigger ovulation. With all those eggs (over 15 - normally women release only one per cycle!), I am imagining this to be quite interesting. Exactly 36 hours later (10am Wed) we return to the clinic for the egg retrieval. This involves sedation for me thankfully because they get the eggs with a very large needle! I'm all for oblivion thank you very much! We are both very excited and full of anticipation (read my husband's blog on this subject at drugsworld.blogspot.com).
We appreciate all the prayers and encouragement that our friends and family have provided along the way. Not sure we could get through all this without it! I probably won't blog again until Wed or Thurs night and by then my eggs will have literally been injected with my hubby's sperm (romantic huh?) and will be dividing like crazy in a petri dish.
Celebrating that God is good all the time,

Kendra

Standing On The Brink.....

so here we are.



standing on the brink.



on the brink of what you ask?



we don't really know.

we visited the fertility clinic this morning for an ultrasound to measure all my follicles. Apparently I am the proud owner of about 15 follicles that are just about the size that they need to be to go in and get them for fertilization. The visit was very reassuring after a tense week of getting less than the desired detail from the ultrasounds we had done at our local hospital. With so much riding on this, we have decided that the 2 hour trip to the fertility clinic for the tests is minor. Today, the verdict is that I am to continue the current drug regimen for today and tomorrow and return Monday for another ultrasound. The expectation is that at that time the follicles will be fully mature and ready for action!! That would mean adding another injection Monday night that triggers ovulation and returning to the fertility clinic Wednesday morning for the egg retrieval procedure. 48 hours later we will return yet again to have the now 2 day old embryos tranferred to my uterus. Then the 12 day wait begins before we can have a pregnancy test done to see if our hope will be realized or delayed. We have both said that it is very surreal to be going through all this. It's almost like we are watching someone else go through it - sounds weird but that's kind of how it feels. I feel strangely calm (for today anyway) so that is a nice change :) More info to come as we get it....
Standing on the brink of the unknown, my God is good all the time.

Kendra

Today It Happened

Today it happened.

People said it would happen.

I knew it would happen.

And today it did.

Today we had a bad day. In fact, we had a really bad day.

Not to worry, not bad in the sense that anything went medically or physically wrong. The follicles are growing and we are still right on track with all that.
Even as I sit here and try to think through exactly what happened and how it all started I can't. I'll spare you the gorrey details but suffice to say that the day was full of hurt feelings, way too loud and "pointed" conversation, episodes of silence, etc, etc. Need I say more?
All of that happened several hours ago and as I sit here now things seem much more manageable. I am not going to overanalyze "it" (as would be my natural tendency) but instead choose to chaulk it up to mounting stress as the days stack up towards this monumental undertaking. Instead I am looking forward to making up later :)
Saturday we head to GR to the fertility clinic for another ultrasound. We've been having them done locally up until now but the doc wants to have a look for himself go off we go. Hard to imagine that by this time next week we will likely be somewhere in the middle of either the egg retrieval or the embryo transfer. GULP!

Even when the day is bad, my God is still good.

Kendra

What If?

Ever since we've begun this crazy journey towards pregnancy, my mind has been swirling with all things baby. I think that is how I distract myself from the way too scientific nature of it, the shots, the discomfort (although thank God there hasn't been that much). It makes me feel better to instead let my thoughts wonder aimlessly through babydom. Things like....

paint for the nursery

strollers and carseats and highchairs oh my

Downy baby hair that floats in the breeze

chubby baby thighs (when does this stop being cute? 25, 30, 34?)

counting ten little fingers and toes (or twenty as the case may be!)

'The" room. I'm convinced that the nursery is for the parents much more than for the baby. I went into what would be our nursery tonight and just sat for a minute. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can almost see how it will be and almost smell the powder and other yummy baby smells. The screen is blurry with tears just allowing myself to imagine for yet another minute.

Amidst all these wonderful things that occupy my mind, I had a thought today that made my stomach hurt.

What if it doesn't work?

'Cause that's a possiblity ya know. Our odds for success are about 60% but that leaves the other 40 that I can barely allow myself to imagine.

But don't I have to?

How do you believe and hope and pray for the desires of your heart and all the while in some back corner of your mind prepare for potential disappointment?

I just don't know.

For now all I know how to do is believe that God has led us in this direction for a reason and that He will take care of the rest. If this doesn't work will I understand? Probably never. But will I still praise and be in awe of the God who gives and sustains life? You bet.

Because no matter if you are experiencing hope realized or hope delayed, my God is good all the time.

Kendra

Quick Update

As I write we are approximately 10 days (give or take a couple) from our invitro procedure. GULP! Saturday night I started a new drug that I took for only two days (I'm thankful for this since it stung quite a bit and left me with bruises on my belly). We also started another new drug the same day that we continue until the day of the egg retrieval. This morning we went for another ultrasound and I am proud to say my follicles seem to be growing nicely. After reading the ultrasound and my bloodwork, the doc upped the dose for the next three days and I have another ultrasound on Thursday. Pray for no cysts to develop with the increase in drugs. Things seem to be rolling right along. I have times when I get pretty emotionally overwhelmed but hey, this whole thing IS pretty overwhelming so I figure I'm entitled. There actually have been fewer crying episodes so far than I expected to tell you the truth. However I'm leaving room for this should I need it!
As always, God is good all the time.

Kendra

Off we go....

Happy Tuesday! It was, in fact, a happy Tuesday for us. We visited the fertility clinic in GR for our first ultrasound and were told that all my girly parts look just like they should for this part of the process and we are ready to start two different drugs that get the ovulation mobile crankin'. We start them in a couple days and then have another ultrasound of girl world Monday and then again probably on Thursday to monitor the follicle growth (the "housing" for the egg). The nurse went over the estimated timeline with us from this point on and told us that two weeks from today I could be pregnant! WOW - amazing! We would appreciate prayer from all who offer them up. So far we are fairing well. Me a little irritable (remember, it's the drugs....refer to my previous post "Crabby") and my husband practicing tolerance. One weird side effect that I am experiencing is that I am overly sensitive to noise - makes for some challenging days. Well, sweet dreams to all.

God is good all the time

Kendra

Freaked Out!

Tonight something very disturbing happened to me. I came home from work, sat down to a great dinner my wonderful hubby had ready, changed my clothes and rushed out the door to my aerobics class that runs from 6-7:30. All was going as usual when in the middle of our strength training segment (around 7:15) it occured to me that I had forgotten to take my injection! I immediately ran out of there and started for home. On the way I frantically called my husband sobbing to tell him I had forgotten it. My reaction startled me. I was almost instantly sick to my stomach, sobbing, hyperventilating, and shaking. I made it home and took the injection within the suggested time frame (just later than we had been doing it) and all appeared to be well. However, it was after that when I really started to cry. To think that I could have forgotten something so critical to our success really shook me. I would never forgive myself if I screwed this up. After a while I realized I needed to knock off the what-ifs or I would go insane and that seemed to calm me some. My husband was awesome at trying to calm me, having everything ready when I got home, and just hoding me and letting me get all the tears out. I think it has finally sunk in what an emotional roller coaster we are on, and truthfully we are probably just climbing the first hill. I am convinced that it will be worth it though.
Tomorrow we have our first of many ultrasounds over the next two weeks. I'm excited to be moving along in the process. Update to follow :)

When I'm an emotional wreck, ESPECIALLY when I'm an emotional wreck, I rest in knowing that our God is good all the time.

Kendra

The Next Step....

Well, it seems like just yesterday that we started our injections preparing for invitro (and in actuality in was only 9 days ago) but this week we take the next step. We go for an ultrasound, probably Tuesday, of my ovaries to see that they are "quiet". Essentially, the doctors want them shut down so they can stimulate them with drugs and know exactly what they are doing and when. The next step is starting two more injectible drug (grand total three per day!) and having an ultrasound every few days until it shows I am ready to ovulate. Thankfully the needles are still tiny for now. Hard to not know what's going to happen day to day. I heard it said once that following God is like walking on lily pads. All we have to do is have the courage to take the next step and God will put the lilypad under our foot. We don't have to worry about getting all the way across the water, only about taking that next step. Easy to say, sometimes tricky to do.
My blogaholic sister asked me if she could share our story on her blog and link it to mine so for anyone who is reading this out of curiosity, maybe I should back up a bit. Here's the short version. Dan and I got married in Dec '05 and pretty much started trying to have a baby right away. After all we are both in our thirties (me mid, he late) and time's a wastin' if ya know what I mean. We tried for a year (tempurature charts, timed sex, blah, blah) with no success. So, off to my gynecologist we went to discuss this. She offered a few suggestions but also ran some tests to rule out causes for our trouble. A few days later she called to tell us that

"we would require quite aggressive fertility treatments to become pregnant".

I'll never forget those words. We were heartbroken in the way that leaves you lying on the bed together sobbing, not understanding and not sure what to do. She suggested we see a specialist about IVF. My college roommate had worked for such a doctor years ago so I called her to chat. She told me about this doctor and how wonderful of a human being he was and that he was a Christian man with very high ethical standards. As you can imagine, someone in the infertility world with shady ethics could be on a slippery slope of playing God. We went to see him first in March of 2007 and were told that we were perfect candidates for successful IVF. At that time though, there was something that held us back from committing; something that we couldn't put our finger on but was there in both of us. I now believe this was the Holy Spirit telling us to wait. Over the next year we thought and prayed and saved and prayed and dreamed and saved and prayed and hoped and prayed and saved...... Early this year we both felt a sense of peace that God had directed us to this opportunity to have a baby. We met with the doc again in January to get the ball rolling and here we are....taking one step in time and believing that what we have chosen is pleasing to God and ultimately will be for His Glory.
Pregnant, not pregnant, or somewhere on the path between the two, I know my God is good ALL THE TIME.

Kendra

Crabby?

Yesterday thankful....today more like crabby. Mood swing anyone? Hard to admit but I think maybe it's true. Maybe it's a side effect of the drugs i am injecting or maybe the devil's got a foothold today but I FEEL CRABBY. For the record, i am going to blame it on the drugs til my dying day so let's just go with that OK? It is listed as a side effect - they call it irritability but crabby describes it better. I have noticed even at work today I was irritated to the point of insanity by all the noise and chaos going on around me. Now today wasn't any noiser or chaotic than any other day but I did a lot of biting my tongue today. Anyway, I feel a bit better now that I am home and fed. My husband has gone to play cards with some friends and I am going for a walk (usually the surefire crabbiness cure) and then going to enjoy the silence of my house. Sounds strange but when you're crabby sometimes the kindest thing you can do for the world is withdraw til it passes.

Even when I'm crabby (remember now...it's the drugs) I know my God is good all the time.
Here's to waking up with a sunnier disposition.

Kendra

Thankful on Thursday

Today the word that comes to my mind the most is "Thankful". It has been a pretty uneventuful day so far...worked this morning, came home and made some calls (to figure out an insurance mess. what a job - to be wrong so much and get paid big bucks for it! Meteorologist are right in this category too!), had a yummy chicken salad lunch, and now am sitting down to blog. I just feel so thankful for so many things today. I'm giving thanks today for:



my job - when I know so many don't have one

my husband who says he would take every

hard thing I encounter and bear it for

me and I believe he would

I wish love like this for everyone

my church - especially GoodFit, a new ladies aerobics

and nutrition class that is an awesome blessing

my house. we've been painting the kitchen

(on our fourth coat to cover barn red - yikes)

but it is such a pretty spring green now!

My sister who reads this fledgling

blog and prays for me (us). Never underestimate how much praying for someone matters. My grandma told me several years ago when I was going through a tough time that she prayed for me by name every day and knowing that changed my life.

AMAZING medical technology that we truly

believe will lead us to the family we long for. The belly shots

are going well. I look like I have bee stings all over but

otherwise so far so good.

Along that same line....medical insurance. Even though dealing

with insurances drives me NUTS sometimes, I am deeply thankful to God

that we have insurance and more amazingly that it covers infertility

treatments. This is very very rare.

Felt good today to sit down and put into words some of the things that fill my thankful tank!

One thing I know: God is good all the time. (talk about something to be thankful for!)

Kendra

Anticipating a Miracle

OK, OK, OK so I admit to jumping on the blogging bandwagon and promptly falling off the back into the dusty road! I'm sure my loyal readers ( I have 2 so I can use the plural right?) have been on the edge of their seats waiting for another pearl of random thinking so here goes.......
At the suggestion of my sister (one of my 2 loyal blog readers) I have decided to keep a journal over the next few months as my husband and I travel along the road of invito fertilization. And, I figured I would use my blog to do so. Let's start with basics....invitro (IVF) in a nutshell? Take one or more eggs, mix with sperm, fertilize in a petri dish, grow there for 2 days, return to the mommy to be and pray for attachment in the uterus.
Attachment = pregnant. No attachment= try again or go another route.
Sound like science fiction? You should be looking at it from my shoes. It has taken me quite a while to accept that my getting pregnant is going to be very medical and scientific instead of the typical....I'm late. Could it be? Maybe. Should I do a test? Oh my gosh it's positive!!!! You get my drift. However, what I have come to accept and embrace is that just because our experience won't be "typical" doesn't take away from the fact that it will be truly amazing when the doctor says those coveted words....."congratulations, you're pregnant"

A miracle is a miracle no matter how it is delivered (pun intended)

So...where are we in this process? 5 days ago I started injecting myself with a drug in the stomach each evening. Sounds nasty but the needle is tiny and it doesn't hurt. Not really feeling any effect apart from maybe some increased propensity to become teary-eyed. My husband says that's self inflicted because I watch "A Baby Story". We continue these injections for another week or so then start having ultrasounds of the internal variety (girls you know of what I speak!) to monitor follicle growth. Funny side effect of doing all this is that you get so much medical information that at a party with strangers I could pass as a OB/GYN. Might be fun to try sometime. Anyway, that's where we are for now. I will try to be a regular blogger in the weeks ahead if only to unload my brain of the hurricane of thoughts, fears, excitement, etc.

One thing I know is that our God is good all the time.
We will praise him with a baby and we will praise him without a baby.

Kendra

On My Mind

So....today I was pretty distracted all day thinking about what I was going to blog about tonight. Feeling the pressure of being a newbie I suppose. Anyway, I understand the idea is to write about whatever is on my mind so, keep your hands inside the ride boys and girls, here goes. What is on my mind lately is....drumroll.....babies. It seems like they are all over lately, probably not more than normal but I guess my awareness is on high alert. Anyone who knows us well knows that it is the desire of our hearts to be parents but that our journey has been much different than we expected it to be. I'm sure I will be sharing more about this as I go along and get used to baring my soul to cyberspace. Anyway, what all this has taught me so far is that I am having to trust in God's sovereignty more than ever before. Our pastor said something a few weeks ago that has echoed in my head every day since. "God is sovereign. We do not need to chart our path. We need only to follow the path that God has set before us." Enough said.
Remember: God is good, all the time.
Sweet dreams, Kendra

Maiden Voyage!

Well, I can't believe it, but I finally have a blog! My six year old niece just started one so I figure I'd better get with it and join in the fun. I have always said that I think the greatest job in the world would be to get paid to write my opinion and musings on life and the happenings of the world (like Erma Bombeck, Rick Riley, etc) so maybe this is where I start practicing that art......so thanks for visiting and I hope you check back in often.



Be Blessed, Kendra