What If?

Ever since we've begun this crazy journey towards pregnancy, my mind has been swirling with all things baby. I think that is how I distract myself from the way too scientific nature of it, the shots, the discomfort (although thank God there hasn't been that much). It makes me feel better to instead let my thoughts wonder aimlessly through babydom. Things like....

paint for the nursery

strollers and carseats and highchairs oh my

Downy baby hair that floats in the breeze

chubby baby thighs (when does this stop being cute? 25, 30, 34?)

counting ten little fingers and toes (or twenty as the case may be!)

'The" room. I'm convinced that the nursery is for the parents much more than for the baby. I went into what would be our nursery tonight and just sat for a minute. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can almost see how it will be and almost smell the powder and other yummy baby smells. The screen is blurry with tears just allowing myself to imagine for yet another minute.

Amidst all these wonderful things that occupy my mind, I had a thought today that made my stomach hurt.

What if it doesn't work?

'Cause that's a possiblity ya know. Our odds for success are about 60% but that leaves the other 40 that I can barely allow myself to imagine.

But don't I have to?

How do you believe and hope and pray for the desires of your heart and all the while in some back corner of your mind prepare for potential disappointment?

I just don't know.

For now all I know how to do is believe that God has led us in this direction for a reason and that He will take care of the rest. If this doesn't work will I understand? Probably never. But will I still praise and be in awe of the God who gives and sustains life? You bet.

Because no matter if you are experiencing hope realized or hope delayed, my God is good all the time.

Kendra