i just don't get it

Today I saw something that made me sick.
It also seemed to reignite some of the sadness that I thought was starting to subside.
I was leaving Staples after dropping off some things to be copied. A young girl walking out of another store caught my eye. She was young, maybe 17-19, cute, dressed very stylishly, and about 5-6 months pregnant. I'll be honest, the question did cross my mind, "Why would God give her a baby and not us?" Then it happened. She reached into her handbag, pulled out a cigarette and lit up. By this time I was sitting in my car, staring openly at this girl. She walked slowly to her car, dramatically puffing and exhaling a cloud of smoke around her. As I watched her I got so angry that she was taking this amazing gift of a little life inside of her and putting it in danger. I wanted so badly to get out of my car and yank the cigarette out of her mouth. She clearly doesn't realize what a miracle the life inside her is. A lot of feeling washed over me - anger, jealously, sadness, frustration, confusion about why things happen like they do.... After she drove away, I sat there for a few minute thinking about how many things that have happened in the past few months that I just simply cannot understand. I was thinking that I have a lot of questions that I want to ask God when I get to heaven. Then I thought that maybe when we get to heaven we aren't going to be aware of the perceived injustices we've experienced or wonder about the answers to those questions that bugged the crap out of us here on earth. Hopefully we are so busy praising God and walking those streets of gold that we won't be thinking about the things that distract our minds here on earth. For now, I am slowly learning to accept the things that I just don't understand and realize that I may never understand this side heaven. And even then, I may no longer wonder.

Even on a day when sadness rears its ugly head, I can make it through because my God is for me and He is good all the time.

Kendra

he prays for me.

Just wanted to share a brief exchange between my husband and I that happened tonight when I got home from work.

He: "Honey, did you cry today?"
Me: "You know what? No, I didn't. Finally."
He: "Good. This morning I prayed that you would have a day where you didn't cry."

He prays for me.

I already knew he did but somehow this brief exchange made it like cement in my mind and heart. Sometimes at night as I am going to sleep he gently rests his hand on my head and I know that he is praying for me. This gives me security and comfort beyond what I can describe. I know that going through this miscarriage together has deepened our bond and I also know that it bothered him deeply to watch my physical and emotional pain. The worst part for him is that there wasn't a whole lot he could do to change it for me. So what he did was pray, and pray hard. He has told me many times that he would take my pain for me if he could and I know now more than ever that he absolutely would. He has been wonderful beyond description day after day as I cried and cried and mourned over this loss. I'm sure my tears are not gone for good but to know that my husband and best friend asked our awesome God to give me a day with more happiness than tears......that my friends is what it's all about.

He prayed for me, and in God's goodness, He granted his request. Amazing.

Kendra

a new week.

today was the start of a new week. thankfully. We are still grieving the loss of our pregnancy but are starting to see a light at the end of what has felt like a very dark, very long tunnel. I still feel like I am walking around with a ball of emotion in my throat just waiting to burst out with any mention or thought of babies, pregnancy, etc. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I have to admit I took the easy way out. We didn't go to our church because, quite frankly, I wanted to avoid the emotional torture. The thought of hearing about the wonder and blessing of motherhood just made me want to crawl into my shell until the day had past. We instead chose to go spend the night with my parents with plans to attend church with them - less people that we have personal connections to so less risk of breaking down. However, I woke up Sunday not feeling that great so we decided to just roll over, pull the covers up, and sleep in. It was gray and rainy and my disposition was equally so. On a positive note, I was able to spend some time with my mother and both grandmothers, all of whom have provided me with great examples of motherhood. I can only hope and pray that by next Mother's Day I am enjoying experiencing the day in a whole new way.

Hanging on to God's goodness during a time when very few things seem good, Kendra

rough week.

Suffice to say this has been one rough week.

Returning to work was emotionally and physically challenging. Trying to function normally in a professional role seems like a huge chore to be honest. I find myself with less than ideal amounts of compassion for my patients which is a problem since that's a huge part of my job. I guess I am just completely distracted by my own situation right now. Probably the textbook definition of self-centered huh?
Physically, this process has been much more challenging than I anticipated. I thought a couple Motrin here and there would get me through just fine. However, Tuesday night I ended up in the emergency room because the cramping and pain was so severe I couldn't get it under control with OTC meds. All I have to say is God bless narcotics. I spent the next day laying low and napping under "the influence". I was able to return to work today and tolerated my 1/2 day schedule pretty well. I am hoping that the pain continues to subside; the quicker the better. I am looking forward to the weekend and a visit from a couple of friends/former colleagues who I love and miss having as part of my life. Girl talk is always good for the soul, right?

When the week is rough, emotions are raw, and pain is rearing it's ugly head, I hang on tight to the goodness and compassion of our God.

Kendra

kind words.

Something happened yesterday that touched me to the core.

I work at a physical therapy clinic and treat all sorts of patients. Some I connect with and, to be honest, some I simply treat and look forward to when they move on. For the past couple months I have had the priviedge to work with a particular gentleman who I have enjoyed immensely. He is warm and kind and tells me funny, dramatic happenings from his life and family just about everytime I see him. Over the course of his visits, we have had several great conversations about our shared faith and how God has worked in our lives. I have come to recognize him as a fellow tenderheart. He has been my patient during the 6 days I was off during and after the IVF procedure and also during the days I was gone last week while resting and trying to save our pregnancy. He has been always gracious upon my return to work and asked in general how I was and accepted my vague answers. Yesterday, however, just as he was leaving therapy, he grabbed my arm and said, " I don't know what is going on in your life, but I want you to know that I am praying for you."
wow.
I, of course, instantly choked up with the fresh emotion of our miscarriage. I managed to quietly say, "thank you. I sure could use it", and walked away before breaking into tears. Since then, I have not been able to get this brief exchange out of my mind. I was touched by his concern for me, who, in the grand scheme of his life, am a temporary aquaintance. It gave me a lot of comfort on a day that was difficult to navigate without losing my hold on my emotions and composure. It was a God thing without a doubt. He knew I needed this to get through my day. God bless this gentle, kind, and wonderfully perceptive man that God sent my way.

I continue to KNOW that God is good all the time, and I am even starting to feel it some again.

Kendra

family, interrupted.

It further breaks my already broken heart to write that we will not be seeing our dreams of a family come true for now. After a gut wrenching week of ultrasounds, bloodwork, and tortuous waiting, we were told Friday by our deeply compassionate doctor that he could not find a gestational sac in my uterus. His diagnosis: a pregnancy that had failed. He reassured us that there was nothing we could have done to change how this turned out because of course that thought immediately leapt to our lips. We were gently told to go home and expect a miscarriage in the next few days. We were left devestated and full of the "whys" that never, never, never seem to come to an answer. I find myself in tears many many times throughout the day and my heart is heavy with a deep sadness. My poor husband is also grieving but has been a constant in comforting me and reassuring me that our dreams will come true eventually. I have learned so much about him through this experience and grown to love him so much deeper. In the past couple days I have thought some about how important it is to be sure to the depths of our souls what we KNOW, what we BELIEVE, about God and his character. If we are sure of this, when the hard times come and our feelings betray us, we can KNOW it even when we don't FEEL it.
For example...
I KNOW God is truly good all the time, but I don't feel that right now
I KNOW God is sad when I am sad, but right now I don't feel that
I KNOW that God works all things together for good for those who love him, but right now I can't possible see how this could be good
I KNOW that His will for our lives and our family is good and perfect but right now I have so many unanswered questions that make me wonder.

I know that time is a great healer, so for now I am leaning on what I KNOW and trying to survive what I FEEL. Tomorrow will be a trial. I am going back to work and to inevitable questions. God give me the composure to hold it together.

He's still good, I KNOW He is.

Kendra

uncertain.

To be honest I don't feel much like blogging today but I know there will be some blog-stalkers checking in since today was to be our ultrasound. Things have changed a bit. I developed some complications on Tuesday and the health of our pregnancy is in question. We should know more tomorrow after comparing some blood test results and ultrasounds from this week but suffice to say we are very scared, fighting panic, and emotionally exhausted. We are desperate for your prayers that God's will be accomplished in this situation. Of course we would like God's will to be that this baby continue to develop but we are more aware than ever that we don't get to choose.

I keep reminding myself that God is good, even when things feel really bad.