family, interrupted.

It further breaks my already broken heart to write that we will not be seeing our dreams of a family come true for now. After a gut wrenching week of ultrasounds, bloodwork, and tortuous waiting, we were told Friday by our deeply compassionate doctor that he could not find a gestational sac in my uterus. His diagnosis: a pregnancy that had failed. He reassured us that there was nothing we could have done to change how this turned out because of course that thought immediately leapt to our lips. We were gently told to go home and expect a miscarriage in the next few days. We were left devestated and full of the "whys" that never, never, never seem to come to an answer. I find myself in tears many many times throughout the day and my heart is heavy with a deep sadness. My poor husband is also grieving but has been a constant in comforting me and reassuring me that our dreams will come true eventually. I have learned so much about him through this experience and grown to love him so much deeper. In the past couple days I have thought some about how important it is to be sure to the depths of our souls what we KNOW, what we BELIEVE, about God and his character. If we are sure of this, when the hard times come and our feelings betray us, we can KNOW it even when we don't FEEL it.
For example...
I KNOW God is truly good all the time, but I don't feel that right now
I KNOW God is sad when I am sad, but right now I don't feel that
I KNOW that God works all things together for good for those who love him, but right now I can't possible see how this could be good
I KNOW that His will for our lives and our family is good and perfect but right now I have so many unanswered questions that make me wonder.

I know that time is a great healer, so for now I am leaning on what I KNOW and trying to survive what I FEEL. Tomorrow will be a trial. I am going back to work and to inevitable questions. God give me the composure to hold it together.

He's still good, I KNOW He is.

Kendra