Keep your hands inside the ride folks, here we go!

All the waiting is finally coming to an end. We visited the doctor for an ultrasound Saturday and again this morning and his verdict is that my follicles are the right size which means the eggs are ready to be harvested. As far as what's next.....tonight at EXACTLY 10pm (even a few minute variance can screw this whole thing up) my wonderful husband will inject a drug into my butt muscle that will trigger ovulation. With all those eggs (over 15 - normally women release only one per cycle!), I am imagining this to be quite interesting. Exactly 36 hours later (10am Wed) we return to the clinic for the egg retrieval. This involves sedation for me thankfully because they get the eggs with a very large needle! I'm all for oblivion thank you very much! We are both very excited and full of anticipation (read my husband's blog on this subject at drugsworld.blogspot.com).
We appreciate all the prayers and encouragement that our friends and family have provided along the way. Not sure we could get through all this without it! I probably won't blog again until Wed or Thurs night and by then my eggs will have literally been injected with my hubby's sperm (romantic huh?) and will be dividing like crazy in a petri dish.
Celebrating that God is good all the time,

Kendra

Standing On The Brink.....

so here we are.



standing on the brink.



on the brink of what you ask?



we don't really know.

we visited the fertility clinic this morning for an ultrasound to measure all my follicles. Apparently I am the proud owner of about 15 follicles that are just about the size that they need to be to go in and get them for fertilization. The visit was very reassuring after a tense week of getting less than the desired detail from the ultrasounds we had done at our local hospital. With so much riding on this, we have decided that the 2 hour trip to the fertility clinic for the tests is minor. Today, the verdict is that I am to continue the current drug regimen for today and tomorrow and return Monday for another ultrasound. The expectation is that at that time the follicles will be fully mature and ready for action!! That would mean adding another injection Monday night that triggers ovulation and returning to the fertility clinic Wednesday morning for the egg retrieval procedure. 48 hours later we will return yet again to have the now 2 day old embryos tranferred to my uterus. Then the 12 day wait begins before we can have a pregnancy test done to see if our hope will be realized or delayed. We have both said that it is very surreal to be going through all this. It's almost like we are watching someone else go through it - sounds weird but that's kind of how it feels. I feel strangely calm (for today anyway) so that is a nice change :) More info to come as we get it....
Standing on the brink of the unknown, my God is good all the time.

Kendra

Today It Happened

Today it happened.

People said it would happen.

I knew it would happen.

And today it did.

Today we had a bad day. In fact, we had a really bad day.

Not to worry, not bad in the sense that anything went medically or physically wrong. The follicles are growing and we are still right on track with all that.
Even as I sit here and try to think through exactly what happened and how it all started I can't. I'll spare you the gorrey details but suffice to say that the day was full of hurt feelings, way too loud and "pointed" conversation, episodes of silence, etc, etc. Need I say more?
All of that happened several hours ago and as I sit here now things seem much more manageable. I am not going to overanalyze "it" (as would be my natural tendency) but instead choose to chaulk it up to mounting stress as the days stack up towards this monumental undertaking. Instead I am looking forward to making up later :)
Saturday we head to GR to the fertility clinic for another ultrasound. We've been having them done locally up until now but the doc wants to have a look for himself go off we go. Hard to imagine that by this time next week we will likely be somewhere in the middle of either the egg retrieval or the embryo transfer. GULP!

Even when the day is bad, my God is still good.

Kendra

What If?

Ever since we've begun this crazy journey towards pregnancy, my mind has been swirling with all things baby. I think that is how I distract myself from the way too scientific nature of it, the shots, the discomfort (although thank God there hasn't been that much). It makes me feel better to instead let my thoughts wonder aimlessly through babydom. Things like....

paint for the nursery

strollers and carseats and highchairs oh my

Downy baby hair that floats in the breeze

chubby baby thighs (when does this stop being cute? 25, 30, 34?)

counting ten little fingers and toes (or twenty as the case may be!)

'The" room. I'm convinced that the nursery is for the parents much more than for the baby. I went into what would be our nursery tonight and just sat for a minute. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can almost see how it will be and almost smell the powder and other yummy baby smells. The screen is blurry with tears just allowing myself to imagine for yet another minute.

Amidst all these wonderful things that occupy my mind, I had a thought today that made my stomach hurt.

What if it doesn't work?

'Cause that's a possiblity ya know. Our odds for success are about 60% but that leaves the other 40 that I can barely allow myself to imagine.

But don't I have to?

How do you believe and hope and pray for the desires of your heart and all the while in some back corner of your mind prepare for potential disappointment?

I just don't know.

For now all I know how to do is believe that God has led us in this direction for a reason and that He will take care of the rest. If this doesn't work will I understand? Probably never. But will I still praise and be in awe of the God who gives and sustains life? You bet.

Because no matter if you are experiencing hope realized or hope delayed, my God is good all the time.

Kendra

Quick Update

As I write we are approximately 10 days (give or take a couple) from our invitro procedure. GULP! Saturday night I started a new drug that I took for only two days (I'm thankful for this since it stung quite a bit and left me with bruises on my belly). We also started another new drug the same day that we continue until the day of the egg retrieval. This morning we went for another ultrasound and I am proud to say my follicles seem to be growing nicely. After reading the ultrasound and my bloodwork, the doc upped the dose for the next three days and I have another ultrasound on Thursday. Pray for no cysts to develop with the increase in drugs. Things seem to be rolling right along. I have times when I get pretty emotionally overwhelmed but hey, this whole thing IS pretty overwhelming so I figure I'm entitled. There actually have been fewer crying episodes so far than I expected to tell you the truth. However I'm leaving room for this should I need it!
As always, God is good all the time.

Kendra

Off we go....

Happy Tuesday! It was, in fact, a happy Tuesday for us. We visited the fertility clinic in GR for our first ultrasound and were told that all my girly parts look just like they should for this part of the process and we are ready to start two different drugs that get the ovulation mobile crankin'. We start them in a couple days and then have another ultrasound of girl world Monday and then again probably on Thursday to monitor the follicle growth (the "housing" for the egg). The nurse went over the estimated timeline with us from this point on and told us that two weeks from today I could be pregnant! WOW - amazing! We would appreciate prayer from all who offer them up. So far we are fairing well. Me a little irritable (remember, it's the drugs....refer to my previous post "Crabby") and my husband practicing tolerance. One weird side effect that I am experiencing is that I am overly sensitive to noise - makes for some challenging days. Well, sweet dreams to all.

God is good all the time

Kendra

Freaked Out!

Tonight something very disturbing happened to me. I came home from work, sat down to a great dinner my wonderful hubby had ready, changed my clothes and rushed out the door to my aerobics class that runs from 6-7:30. All was going as usual when in the middle of our strength training segment (around 7:15) it occured to me that I had forgotten to take my injection! I immediately ran out of there and started for home. On the way I frantically called my husband sobbing to tell him I had forgotten it. My reaction startled me. I was almost instantly sick to my stomach, sobbing, hyperventilating, and shaking. I made it home and took the injection within the suggested time frame (just later than we had been doing it) and all appeared to be well. However, it was after that when I really started to cry. To think that I could have forgotten something so critical to our success really shook me. I would never forgive myself if I screwed this up. After a while I realized I needed to knock off the what-ifs or I would go insane and that seemed to calm me some. My husband was awesome at trying to calm me, having everything ready when I got home, and just hoding me and letting me get all the tears out. I think it has finally sunk in what an emotional roller coaster we are on, and truthfully we are probably just climbing the first hill. I am convinced that it will be worth it though.
Tomorrow we have our first of many ultrasounds over the next two weeks. I'm excited to be moving along in the process. Update to follow :)

When I'm an emotional wreck, ESPECIALLY when I'm an emotional wreck, I rest in knowing that our God is good all the time.

Kendra

The Next Step....

Well, it seems like just yesterday that we started our injections preparing for invitro (and in actuality in was only 9 days ago) but this week we take the next step. We go for an ultrasound, probably Tuesday, of my ovaries to see that they are "quiet". Essentially, the doctors want them shut down so they can stimulate them with drugs and know exactly what they are doing and when. The next step is starting two more injectible drug (grand total three per day!) and having an ultrasound every few days until it shows I am ready to ovulate. Thankfully the needles are still tiny for now. Hard to not know what's going to happen day to day. I heard it said once that following God is like walking on lily pads. All we have to do is have the courage to take the next step and God will put the lilypad under our foot. We don't have to worry about getting all the way across the water, only about taking that next step. Easy to say, sometimes tricky to do.
My blogaholic sister asked me if she could share our story on her blog and link it to mine so for anyone who is reading this out of curiosity, maybe I should back up a bit. Here's the short version. Dan and I got married in Dec '05 and pretty much started trying to have a baby right away. After all we are both in our thirties (me mid, he late) and time's a wastin' if ya know what I mean. We tried for a year (tempurature charts, timed sex, blah, blah) with no success. So, off to my gynecologist we went to discuss this. She offered a few suggestions but also ran some tests to rule out causes for our trouble. A few days later she called to tell us that

"we would require quite aggressive fertility treatments to become pregnant".

I'll never forget those words. We were heartbroken in the way that leaves you lying on the bed together sobbing, not understanding and not sure what to do. She suggested we see a specialist about IVF. My college roommate had worked for such a doctor years ago so I called her to chat. She told me about this doctor and how wonderful of a human being he was and that he was a Christian man with very high ethical standards. As you can imagine, someone in the infertility world with shady ethics could be on a slippery slope of playing God. We went to see him first in March of 2007 and were told that we were perfect candidates for successful IVF. At that time though, there was something that held us back from committing; something that we couldn't put our finger on but was there in both of us. I now believe this was the Holy Spirit telling us to wait. Over the next year we thought and prayed and saved and prayed and dreamed and saved and prayed and hoped and prayed and saved...... Early this year we both felt a sense of peace that God had directed us to this opportunity to have a baby. We met with the doc again in January to get the ball rolling and here we are....taking one step in time and believing that what we have chosen is pleasing to God and ultimately will be for His Glory.
Pregnant, not pregnant, or somewhere on the path between the two, I know my God is good ALL THE TIME.

Kendra

Crabby?

Yesterday thankful....today more like crabby. Mood swing anyone? Hard to admit but I think maybe it's true. Maybe it's a side effect of the drugs i am injecting or maybe the devil's got a foothold today but I FEEL CRABBY. For the record, i am going to blame it on the drugs til my dying day so let's just go with that OK? It is listed as a side effect - they call it irritability but crabby describes it better. I have noticed even at work today I was irritated to the point of insanity by all the noise and chaos going on around me. Now today wasn't any noiser or chaotic than any other day but I did a lot of biting my tongue today. Anyway, I feel a bit better now that I am home and fed. My husband has gone to play cards with some friends and I am going for a walk (usually the surefire crabbiness cure) and then going to enjoy the silence of my house. Sounds strange but when you're crabby sometimes the kindest thing you can do for the world is withdraw til it passes.

Even when I'm crabby (remember now...it's the drugs) I know my God is good all the time.
Here's to waking up with a sunnier disposition.

Kendra

Thankful on Thursday

Today the word that comes to my mind the most is "Thankful". It has been a pretty uneventuful day so far...worked this morning, came home and made some calls (to figure out an insurance mess. what a job - to be wrong so much and get paid big bucks for it! Meteorologist are right in this category too!), had a yummy chicken salad lunch, and now am sitting down to blog. I just feel so thankful for so many things today. I'm giving thanks today for:



my job - when I know so many don't have one

my husband who says he would take every

hard thing I encounter and bear it for

me and I believe he would

I wish love like this for everyone

my church - especially GoodFit, a new ladies aerobics

and nutrition class that is an awesome blessing

my house. we've been painting the kitchen

(on our fourth coat to cover barn red - yikes)

but it is such a pretty spring green now!

My sister who reads this fledgling

blog and prays for me (us). Never underestimate how much praying for someone matters. My grandma told me several years ago when I was going through a tough time that she prayed for me by name every day and knowing that changed my life.

AMAZING medical technology that we truly

believe will lead us to the family we long for. The belly shots

are going well. I look like I have bee stings all over but

otherwise so far so good.

Along that same line....medical insurance. Even though dealing

with insurances drives me NUTS sometimes, I am deeply thankful to God

that we have insurance and more amazingly that it covers infertility

treatments. This is very very rare.

Felt good today to sit down and put into words some of the things that fill my thankful tank!

One thing I know: God is good all the time. (talk about something to be thankful for!)

Kendra

Anticipating a Miracle

OK, OK, OK so I admit to jumping on the blogging bandwagon and promptly falling off the back into the dusty road! I'm sure my loyal readers ( I have 2 so I can use the plural right?) have been on the edge of their seats waiting for another pearl of random thinking so here goes.......
At the suggestion of my sister (one of my 2 loyal blog readers) I have decided to keep a journal over the next few months as my husband and I travel along the road of invito fertilization. And, I figured I would use my blog to do so. Let's start with basics....invitro (IVF) in a nutshell? Take one or more eggs, mix with sperm, fertilize in a petri dish, grow there for 2 days, return to the mommy to be and pray for attachment in the uterus.
Attachment = pregnant. No attachment= try again or go another route.
Sound like science fiction? You should be looking at it from my shoes. It has taken me quite a while to accept that my getting pregnant is going to be very medical and scientific instead of the typical....I'm late. Could it be? Maybe. Should I do a test? Oh my gosh it's positive!!!! You get my drift. However, what I have come to accept and embrace is that just because our experience won't be "typical" doesn't take away from the fact that it will be truly amazing when the doctor says those coveted words....."congratulations, you're pregnant"

A miracle is a miracle no matter how it is delivered (pun intended)

So...where are we in this process? 5 days ago I started injecting myself with a drug in the stomach each evening. Sounds nasty but the needle is tiny and it doesn't hurt. Not really feeling any effect apart from maybe some increased propensity to become teary-eyed. My husband says that's self inflicted because I watch "A Baby Story". We continue these injections for another week or so then start having ultrasounds of the internal variety (girls you know of what I speak!) to monitor follicle growth. Funny side effect of doing all this is that you get so much medical information that at a party with strangers I could pass as a OB/GYN. Might be fun to try sometime. Anyway, that's where we are for now. I will try to be a regular blogger in the weeks ahead if only to unload my brain of the hurricane of thoughts, fears, excitement, etc.

One thing I know is that our God is good all the time.
We will praise him with a baby and we will praise him without a baby.

Kendra